flipster’s blog

克典へ、

Dearest Katsunori,

Dearest Katsunori,

Lately I've been having nightmares, one after another. I can't sleep more than a few hours at a time. I didn't think it was too serious at first, but lately I've been increasingly tired. Even if I shut my eyes for a few minutes just to nap, I have them. Something's wrong I'm sure, but I haven't figured it out yet...

I can't think properly.

I miss you, and at the time of writing this, there are only 12 days left.

めぐみ

Dearest Katsunori,

Today I tried to record myself reading "Love in the Time of Cholera," but I couldn't stand to hear myself talk through it... I'll try again later, maybe when I'm not so embarrassed, but I apologize for the delay in sending it off to you.

I'm off of work today, which means I'm suuuuper relaxed (I love days off!). I decided to spend this morning cleaning my dismal apartment and reading -- everything from the Economist to manga. I want to write more about this, but I'm short on time (I'm supposed to be cooking dinner now!), so I'll write it in the next letter.

Tonight I'm catching up with Viviane and Jamie -- two of my closest friends whom I love dearly. I don't know what I'd do without them -- they're like a second family to me. I met Viv while I was in college, and Jamie long before that when I was just in high school. They've been through a lot with me. This summer, I'll be in Jamie's wedding -- I wish you could be here to go with me; I hate going to weddings alone. :\

Today's letter is short but sweet. I miss you more everyday (cheesy, right? haha). At the time of writing, there are only 13 days left.

めぐみ

Dear Katsunori,

Dearest Katsunori,

I've spent my day catching up on the life I've missed while I've been gone on vacation. Perhaps the most important thing however, has been trying to find a new contract to sign onto.

Things aren't looking good. I'm currently signed with two travel nursing companies that have both been looking for jobs for me during the past 2 months. Even now, nothing's come up in the Washington D.C. area. It surprises me that in a current worldwide shortage of nurses I can't seem to manage to find a job! While the companies frantically search for job postings, one (the one I've been working for this past year) has told me that I might have to transfer to the west coast to work -- specifically California. On any normal day, I'd be ecstatic to move back to California, really... But, I have an apartment and my family here in Washington D.C. to worry about.

The company is currently searching for a contract in California that will give me enough of an allowance that I can still pay rent here in DC and survive in California... I don't know how realistic it is, but I have to seriously think about it. I don't even know what it means for traveling in September if I can't make something work out relatively soon. For now, I don't want to think about it... It's way too depressing.

The upside of all of this is that in October I'll finally be done with my lease here in D.C. and I'll be free to move around the United States as I please. For now, I'm seriously contemplating moving back to Los Angeles (where I'm originally from)...

It's funny that despite careful planning, life has not turned out as I thought it would. I guess this goes to show that there really are no fixed variables in an open system. Enough crazy talk.

As always, I miss you -- and only 19 days left now.

めぐみ

Dearest Katsunori,

I'm hopeless today! Since this morning all I've done is cook -- tamagoyaki, samgyeopsal, japchae..., clean, and listen to depressing Japanese folk music. I haven't even started unpacking -- I feel like if I unpack, it will just make settling back into America real. Pardon my denial. In a few days I'll go back to work and vacation will just seem like a distant memory.

I told you that since I couldn't find an audiobook of Love in the Time of Cholera I'd record it for you, but interestingly enough it's been so long since I've read the book I've forgotten what it's about. I guess it'll be a good chance to re-read it. I thought it would be a nice opportunity for you to read something that wasn't so heartbreakingly existentialist... Murakami and Hemmingway are great, but let's face it -- their views on human relationships are so depressing. Don't even get me started on Doesteovsky or Camus...

Rather than continue with my aching diatribe, I'll leave you here for today. As always, I miss you and at the time of writing this there are 20 days left.

めぐみ

Dearest Katsunori,

In the 21 days leading up to your test on June 14th, I've decided to start writing letters to you here in order to keep myself sane. 21 days, 21 letters. Going without talking to you for that long seems like an eternity -- I can't remember the last time we went without talking to each other for a week, let alone almost one month. Some days seem to take an eternity to pass and feel like I've warped back to being an ego-centric 16-year-old who just wants you right here, right now because nothing else seems to matter. But the truth is, we can't see each other every day, and I can't be as selfish as I want to...

When you left me Monday morning, I wasn't really sure I could hold it together. I had written out, and deleted, and written out a text message that I never did send. Thankfully, I managed to make it all the way to the platform without crying. When I had finally boarded the shinkansen heading back to Tokyo, I realized you'd just sent me one. It wasn't until I'd sat down and read it inside of the train that tears started streaming down my face. Knowing it was going to be 3 more months until we get to see each other again made it feel slightly more bittersweet.

I don't know if it was the stress of things, but once I arrived back in Tokyo, I just didn't feel well. By the second day, I was already running that 40 degree fever and wishing I were dead. Not being able to talk to you felt like it made the whole situation worse, but I made it through fine -- hacking, coughing, and sweating. Leaving to go back here to the states on the 22nd, I felt empty, tired, and lonely -- but it couldn't be helped.

I know I'm being selfish when I say I wish I could talk to you everyday, that I wish things were different -- and that we were at least in the same country... But our reality is that we're separated by 14 hours by plane and a 13 hour time difference. The thing is though, these things haven't changed the way I feel -- and even in these ridiculous conditions I'd fallen for every bit of you. And so for now, our current situation is something we have to put up with until our circumstances change -- and is part of the reason I'm writing these letters to you now. Study hard for your exams and pass them. If you don't -- it'll give me a reason to be pissed off about the sacrifices we've made for it, haha.

As always, I miss you -- and at the time of writing this letter there are 21 days left until we can meet again.

めぐみ

I can't post the years after this.... since, by a freak of nature, or rather this computer, I lost the subsequent playlists when I was copying and pasting. I hate myself right now, but in a few weeks I'll probably find a way to compile them all over again.

High School (Note: This is where it gets worse):

1. The Dope Show by Marilyn Manson
2. Santeria by Sublime
3. 素敵だね by Rikki
4. Buddy Holly by Weezer
5. The Distance by Cake
6. Head Over Heels by Tears For Fears
   
7. D'yer Mak'er by Led Zeppelin
8. I Will Survive by Cake
9. Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger by Daft Punk
   
10. Never There by Cake 
11. Everything by Lifehouse
12. Crazy On You by Heart
13. La Llorona by Chavela Vargas
14. Thank You by Dido
15. Mad World by Gary Jules
16. Light My Fire by The Doors
17. Paradise City by Guns N Roses
18. Dock Of The Bay by Otis Redding
    
19. Because by The Beatles
20. Schism by Tool
21. Lightning Crashes by Live
22. Ain't No Mountain High Enough by Marvin Gaye & Tammi Terrell
23. You Got Me by The Roots
24. Killing Me Softly by The Fugees
25. Big Poppa by Notorious B.I.G.
26. Karma Police by Radiohead
    
27. Gin And Juice by Snoop Doggy Dog
28. California Love by 2Pac & Dr. Dre
29. Thugz Mansion (Acoustic) by 2Pac feat. Nas
30. Enter Sandman by Metallica
31. Take Me Out by Franz Ferdinand
32. Virtual Insanity by Jamiroquai
33. No Such Thing by John Mayer
34. Eternal Flame by The Bangles
35. Father Of Mine by Everclear
36. Inside Out by Eve 6
37. Closing Time by Semisonic
38. Bittersweet Symphony by The Verve
39. Freshmen by The Verve Pipe
40. If You Could Only See by Tonic
41. Say My Name by Destiny's Child
42. In The Meantime by Spacehog
43. Teenage Dirtbag by Wheatus
44. Lola by The Kinks
45. Jane Says by Jane's Addiction
46. Dammit by Blink 182
47. To Be With You by Mr. Big
    
48. Fat Lip by Sum 41
49. Under The Bridge by The Red Hot Chili Peppers
50. Scar Tissue by The Red Hot Chili Peppers
51. Paranoid Android by Radiohead
52. Guerilla Radio by Rage Against The Machine
    

Middle School Years:

1. Satellite by Dave Matthews Band
2. Down by 311
   
3. Good Riddance by Green Day
4. This Is How We Do It by Montell Jordan
5. Danse Macabre by Camille Saint-Saens
   
6. Crossroads by Bone Thugs n' Harmony
7. Hook by Blues Traveler
8. Celebrity Skin by Hole
   
9. Transcendental Studies for Piano by Franz Liszt [note: No. 4]
   
10. Take A Bow by Madonna
11. Rhapsody in Blue by George Gershwin
12. Ironic by Alanis Morrisette
    
13. Black Hole Sun by Soundgarden
14. Don't Look Back In Anger by Oasis
    
15. Wish You Were Here by Pink Floyd
    
16. Sleep To Dream by Fiona Apple
17. Kashmir by Led Zeppelin
18. You Oughta Know by Alanis Morrisette
    
19. No Rain by Blind Melon
20. Wonderwall by Oasis
    
21. Swallowed by Bush
22. Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana
23. Everlong by The Foo Fighters
24. Creep by Radiohead
25. Tonight, Tonight by The Smashing Pumpkins
26. Spiderwebs by No Doubt
27. Zombie by The Cranberries
28. Lovefool by The Cardigans
29. Only Happy When It Rains by Garbage
30. Adia by Sarah McLachlan
31. Never Let You Go by Third Eye Blind